After being laid off a blogging job in March 2018, I decided to take a leap of faith and make a drastic career change: I was going to work in adult foster care and help people with disabilities live their best lives. I didn’t know if it would pan out. I didn’t know if I would like it. But I decided to give it a shot.
A year later, I’m still in the field—and I’m loving it.
It has been a wild ride, for sure. Every day is an adventure, as I often say. There are good and bad days. There have been times when I’ve contemplated quitting. But the amazing men I serve—over the past year, there have been three to four of them in the home—make it all so worth it.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned in the past year.
1. There are no easy solutions.
I wrote about autism for almost three years at my last job. I knew the textbook answers. I knew how the experts suggested handling problem behaviors. If my target audience—parents of autistic children—just listened to me and took the advice I shared in my articles, they wouldn’t be having all these issues. But I was gonna show them. I was going to work in residential care, and I was going to do it right.
To be fair, I’m sort of hyperbolizing the mindset I had going into the field. I knew that every person with disabilities was different. I knew that there would be a learning curve. I knew that I didn’t have all the answers for everything. I knew I would get frustrated at times. I knew that there was a difference between knowledge and experience.
But still, I didn’t completely understand what I was in for. And I learned—quickly—that dealing with issues was way easier said than done. The things the professionals and experts told me to do didn’t always fit my residents for a variety of reasons: for example, they rejected the solutions offered or they didn’t have the mental capacity to respond to the solutions.
I got very frustrated with my then-boyfriend for this very reason. When I shared some of the difficulties I was having, he offered rather obvious solutions, as if I hadn’t thought of those things or those things were all I needed to do. In reality, he didn’t know anything about what I was dealing with, and I lashed out at him a few times because he acted like he did.
I imagine that’s how the parents who read my articles felt.
2. The “textbook solutions” rarely apply to those who are profoundly disabled.
All of the clients I work with at my base home are nonverbal. They all have severe to profound intellectual disabilities. Physically, they are fully grown men; mentally, they are toddlers and children. I can never be 100 percent sure how much they understand (though I personally think they understand a lot). If I ask them to do something, they may or may not respond…and if they do, it’s often after multiple prompts.
I say these things not to undermine my residents but to explain the reality of their situations. They are in need of help with just about every area of life.
But unfortunately, the advice I got from classes, professionals, and peers outside the field didn’t apply. How do you coach an anxious resident through breathing exercises if he won’t respond? How do you understand what exactly is wrong if your resident can’t communicate more than basic needs and desires? I found myself getting frustrated—and suddenly, I once again understood why my audience got so upset that my advice was catered more toward those who were less severely impacted.
3. Nonverbal clients aren’t as hard to work with as you might think.
Around the time I first started working at the home, I mentioned to my family, in passing, that all of my residents were nonverbal. I will never forget the way my dad’s head shot right up in shock. And he’s not the only one; others have expressed wonder at my ability to work with those who can’t talk. Believe it or not, though, it’s not as difficult as it sounds. Once you get to know the clients—both from being around them and talking to coworkers—you learn what makes them tick. You learn their likes and dislikes. And though they may not be able to communicate through words, they absolutely do communicate. Sometimes that’s through behavior—both good and bad. Others learn some basic sign language. Others may point or nod or shake their heads. Are there times when I wish I could read my clients’ minds? Absolutely! Sometimes it’s difficult. But it’s an obstacle that can be overcome.
4. I will not solve all my clients’ problems. And that’s okay!
One of my first experiences on the job was attending a med review for one particular client who is no longer living in the home. He was not doing so great—the home wasn’t a good fit, for one thing. He just wasn’t thriving the way he deserved to. I remember telling him in the car on the way back that I wanted to help him. I thought that, due to my background of knowledge, I had the power to fix things that my coworkers, up to that point, were unable to.
How truly arrogant of me.
Things only got worse for that resident, and now he’s no longer here. I wasn’t able to save the day. I haven’t been able to solve all the problems of my other residents, either.
But that’s okay. I’m just one person who is doing her very best and giving all of her love. And that’s what truly matters.
5. No accomplishment is too small to celebrate.
This was something I wrote over and over again when I had my blogging job, but it didn’t really sink in until I became a residential support staff. When two of my residents bring their dirty dishes up to the counter, I lavish praise on them—not even because I was told to, but because I’m genuinely excited for them! From taking care of their laundry to picking up their toys to doing something without even being asked to completing a puzzle they were struggling with—I find myself whole-heartedly celebrating their accomplishments.
6. There are good days and bad days.
There are days when everyone is in a good mood—we have lots of fun doing whatever activity we’re doing, I get all sorts of hugs and kisses, and behaviors are minimal to nonexistent. Alternatively, there are bad days when I’m prying one resident off another, dealing with an emergency situation, getting hit, or running after a resident who has pulled off his pants and poopy brief and is now running around the house naked and soiled. There are days when my heart swells with love and joy, and I can’t help but feel that I have the best job in the world. There are days when I drag myself home, relieved that my shift is finally over. That’s why I always say that every day is an adventure—because it really is!
7. Even when something truly frightening happens, I have the power to deal with it.
On more than one occasion, I’ve had to call 911 or have been in the home when 911 was called. Emergency situations never stop being scary or stressful, but I’m much better with them than I used to be. And even when I was still new to the whole thing, I still managed to handle it.
8. There is more love than I could have ever imagined.
I knew I would grow attached to my residents, but I don’t think I ever could have anticipated the degree to which I would. I’ve never been a mother and don’t plan to be one for several more years, but the guys are like my kids. I love them. I love them exactly the way they are. I love them on good days. I love them on bad days. I worry about them when I’m not there. Seeing them smiling, happy, and having fun is the best part of my job. I want nothing short of the best for them. I would do just about anything for them.
And though they can’t verbalize it, I know that they love me back.
The job I have is difficult. It is underpaid. It can be understaffed at times. I have shed tears, blood, and sweat. I have sacrificed weekends, holidays, and days I was supposed to have off. But my residents? They make it all worth it.